Now I know, cue the gasps from the doctrinally pure Southern Baptists. I’ve heard the pushback before: “You’re not supposed to change your religious views just to accommodate your kids.” But let me tell you—when reality kicks you hard enough, when your theology collides with your family's experiences or your get a glimpse of some of the awful things religious fundamentalism brings about in churches—you begin to see how brittle fundamentalism really is. It’s not just unbending, it’s unlivable.
Here’s the truth. If your view of Christianity only works when everyone in the family turns out like you expected—then it was never grace, it was control.
I’ve seen this play out over and over again. In our extended family, as I mentioned the adult children have taken very different spiritual paths. Some have clung to the conservative traditions they grew up with. Others have swung in the opposite direction, embracing progressive theology—or perhaps no theology at all. And if a matriarch wants a seat at the table with all of them, she better be someone who leads with love, not litmus tests.
The smart matriarch doesn’t measure her children by what she hoped they’d become spiritually. She’s not sitting there evaluating their church attendance, their doctrinal purity, or whether they’re raising their kids with the same rules she raised them with. She’s simply glad they’re still around. Because if your adult kids feel judged, if they sense your continual disapproval—guess what? They won’t be around. Not emotionally. Not spiritually. And eventually, not physically either.
This is where the old guard - guys like Homer Lindsay and Jerry Vines - really did us no favors. Their favorite line was, “You either believe all of the Bible or none of it.” That kind of theological chest-thumping doctrinal purity might light up the gigglers and amen’ers at FBC Jax, but let’s be honest - it burns bridges faster than it builds faith. If that’s the framework you hand your kids, don’t act shocked when they eventually walk away from, well, all of it or most of it.
I’ve said this for years, and every time I do, the faithful hyperventilate and accuse me of “going liberal.” But this isn’t about my beliefs about the inerrancy of scripture - it’s about the box you hand your kids. When you tell them it’s all or nothing, most of them, in the quiet of their own hearts, just choose nothing. Not because they hate God. But because the version of faith they were offered left no room to question or doubt. All-or-nothing sounds noble in a sermon. But in real life, it’s just a great way to lose your kids.
A healthy matriarch, the kind who draws the family in, who becomes a spiritual anchor instead of a spiritual threat, understands that. She knows the difference between real faith and religious performance. She has the courage to evolve. Not to water things down, but to root her faith in something bigger than behavioral conformity. She makes space at the table. She listens. She doesn’t flinch when someone questions doctrine or has more liberal views. And she doesn’t lose sleep when her grown kids don’t parrot the religious party line of the SBC.
Because here’s the beautiful irony: once your children know that you love and respect them exactly where they are, they’re more likely to stick around and let you be part of their journey and maybe even let you influence it. As your adult kids have their own children, they will very likely return to more of their traditional religious views and norms if you've set an example of love for them and haven't pushed them away with your strict religious views.
But stay rigid? Stay judgmental? Stay anxious over religious views of your kids?
They may be gone.
So yes, let go. Relax your grip on your past fundamentalism. Not because your theology was never sincere. But because your children - and your relationships - matter more than your doctrinal checklist.
That’s what real spiritual maturity looks like.
That’s what a matriarch knows.
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