"Tithe or You're Dead" - A Satire Piece on Steve Gaines' Sermon Comparing Non-Tithers to Ananias and Sapphira

Below is a satire post by Matt Mundke at the "Steam Tunnel Pilot" blog that was posted today. It points to the absolute absurdity of Steve Gaines' March 2012 sermon in which he claims non-tithers might be killed by God, claiming "everytime a Christian refuses to tithe, they are just like Ananias and Sapphira".

I asked the blog owners for permission to post it on my blog in its entirety, and I heard back from Sergius Martin-george via email giving me his blessing to post all of it, graphics included! Thank you, Sergius!

Readers, don't miss the last paragraph - Matt quotes yours truly from my March 14, 2012 blog post - go to my blog post to see for yourself Steve Gaines in action, telling Christians they might be killed by God if they don't tithe.

Be sure to add the "Steam Tunnel Pilot" to your Google reader or Favorites list!

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Tithe or You're Dead

Though evangelicals generally eschew the euphemistic notion of a departed believer “spinning in his grave,” it’s hard not to imagine the posthumous subterranean pirouettes currently being executed by one Adrian Pierce Rogers, who went to his reward in 2005.  The twice-elected president of the Southern Baptist convention, known to most American evangelicals through his TV and radio ministries, served as senior pastor of Bellevue Baptist Church in suburban Memphis, Tennessee, for more than three decades.   And while he was no stranger to theological controversy, Pastor Rogers has been spectacularly eclipsed in that department by his successor, 54-year-old Steve Gaines, whose latest pronouncement on Christian giving has raised a few eyebrows—though apparently, not nearly enough.

Pastor Steve Gaines of Bellevue Baptist Church
may need to call another press conference to explain
why his parishioners have been dropping dead

During Bellevue’s annual “Prove the Tithe Sunday” service, Pastor Gaines preached from Acts 5, a text containing one of the most dramatic incidents of the New Testament church: the judgment and sudden deaths of Ananias and Sapphira.  In a feat of eisegesis worthy of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, however, Steve Gaines, who holds a Ph.D. from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, declared this passage to be about tithing:

“As soon as Ananias heard these words, he fell on the floor dead. God killed him....Every time a Christian refuses to tithe, they're just like Ananias and Sapphira. They're lying to God and they're stealing from God. If God treated us this morning in this room like He treated them in that day, how many people would be wrapped up in blankets and taken out the back door [dead]. Think about it. Think about it.”

Thus, completing a sermon series called “Live Life,” Gaines placed the emphasis on sudden death.  It was only the beginning.     

NFL quarterback Tim Tebow, posing under the
famous crosses overlooking Interstate 40 on
the campus of Bellevue Baptist Church. 

Gaines made these comments on February, 5 but like the Trayvon Martin case, a very long incubation period has preceded their media saturation. Two factors are responsible for bringing this situation to the fore: attention from Christian bloggers such as Tom Rich of FBCJax Watchdog; and the fact that dozens of Gaines’s parishioners have been dropping dead. 

In his February sermon, Gaines graciously exempted visitors from tithing that day, all of whom left the church service alive.  But in the ensuing months, 108 of Bellevue’s 30,000 members have been considerably less fortunate.   More than half of those have died on the premises.  Post-mortem investigations by forensic accountants have demonstrated that nearly all of the deceased failed to contribute a minimum of 10 percent of their yearly gross income to the church. 

In recent weeks, vehicles from Kingdom
Ushers Funeral Services have taken Tim
Tebow's place

“Having people drop dead during the service can be distracting,” said Gaines in a rare interview.  “But on the plus side, it’s gotten folks really excited about tithing!”    Gaines reported that the first few weeks after Prove the Tithe Sunday were the most difficult, with 27 deaths occuring during the February 12 service.  “Our ushering crew really had a tough time.   The men in Acts 5 who carried out Ananias and Sapphira really knew what they were doing,” he said.  “But you’re only talking about two people.  What do you when dozens of people go down—during a service?  It can be very unruly.”

Help came from a very unlikely source, however, when the Benny Hinn Evangelistic Association offered the services of trained, professional “catchers,” those men you see during healing crusades whose responsibility it is to stand behind those “slain in the Spirit” by Benny Hinn, and catch them.   Brother Hinn flew a team of twenty catchers to Memphis free of charge in order to conduct training sessions on catching and “striking” felled believers from the premises. 

“It’s a little more challenging with the dead weight—if you’ll excuse that expression,” said Marty Nystrom, head usher at Bellevue.  But the Benny Hinn guys have been great.  They’ve been doing this for a long time and they really know what they’re doing.”

The death wave has proved a boon to local Funeral Home directors, most notably Les Apt, 57, of nearby Garden Meadows, Tennessee. The church has placed Apt on a retainer, a rare luxury in the undertaking industry.  In fact, so many parishioners have been dropping dead that the arrangement has become a “win-win” for all involved.   A fleet of hearses sits outside the church during all services, a commission which has enabled Apt to found a spin-off business, “Kingdom Ushers,” which is dedicated specifically to Bellevue’s departed non-tithers.  It has also led to terrific discount rates for the families of the victims.

         

At first blush, the campus of Bellevue looks like
that of any other megachurch.  A closer look at
the campus directory, however, reveals something
you don't see every day.

“I guess I was just in the right place at the right time,” Apt told us via Skype™.  “And yes, if you’re wondering, I do tithe.”   Apt reports that once Bellevue installed an on-site morgue (see photo), operations have become so efficient that he estimates they will soon be able to handle one hundred bodies in a single service, “Just in case.” 

But while some are marveling over the glory of God’s righteous judgment and the Church’s efficient response, others are perplexed at Pastor Steve Gaines’s atrocious pastoral theology.

Funeral director Les Apt is making a killing off of non-
tithers.  Graciously, though, he passes the savings
right on to their families.

“I believe Gaines knows full well what he is saying is a total fabrication and stretch of scripture,” writes Tom Rich of the FBCJax Watchdog blog.  “No credible theologian teaches that there is a connection between the Old Testament tithe and the story of Acts 5. Most scholars interpret this story as a warning against hypocrites in the church who deceive people with phony piety, who present themselves to the church as being super-spiritual to gain the favor and applause of men.   To extrapolate that occurrence to the modern church, and to connect Ananias’ and Sapphira’s death to believers today who don’t practice the law of tithing, is spiritual abuse perpetrated by Steve Gaines on the believers at Bellevue Baptist Church.”