"...When He [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Matt 9:36

"Do not rob the poor, because he is poor... for the Lord will take up their case and plunder those who plunder them." Proverbs 22:22-23

Friday, April 1, 2011

Announcing Al Mohler's "Save Them From Their Ignorance" Weekend Retreat for Pastors

Announcing Al Mohler's
"Save Them From Their Ignorance" Weekend Retreat for Pastors!
Pastors are God's appointed agents to save His sheep from ignorance, says Al Mohler!

"...we believe that those who teach and preach the word of God are God-appointed agents to save God's people from ignorance." Al Mohler, FBC Jax, Feb 2011

After the incredible response to his sermon on saving the sheep from their ignorance, Dr. Mohler has put together a power-packed, God-anointed and God-appointed retreat to help YOU, pastor, save your sheep from their ignorance!

Research shows that sheep are really stupid, ignorant animals, just like your average church member. But you, pastor/shepherd, need to learn the secrets to helping lower your sheep's collective IQ - that is their "ignorance quotient" - in several key areas.

And what pastor out there hasn't had that awful experience of having your God-anointed ministry hindered by some ignorant sheep? Don't sit and wait for that to happen to YOU. YOU must save them, to help save your ministry so God's work can be done!

And to help you SAVE YOUR SHEEP from their ignorance....Al Mohler has brought together the greatest minds of modern evangelicalism to EQUIP YOU in one IGNORANCE-BUSTING, GOD TRUSTING WEEKEND!

For $399.99 here is what you get!

Stingy Sheep Seminar
Some of the latest sheep research shows that sheep in the pasture can be awfully stingy. They are hoarders! And when the shepherd tries to fleece them, they actually will get nervous, sometimes angry and will tend to bite the sheerer.

And just like the sheep in the pasture, your sheep in the pew can be quite stingy also, hindering your ability to do what Jesus has commanded you to do. In Dr. Mohler's "Stingy Sheep Seminar" You will learn from the best shepherds who know how to fleece while keeping the sheep smiling:
  • Ed Young will share his secrets for motivating sheep to sign up for automatic withdraw of their income. He will teach YOU how to teach your sheep how to move the decimal point to calculate the tithe, and how to remember whether to move it to the right or to the left! No need to wait for stingy, forgetful sheep to write a check - you need to pull that income directly from the sheep baaah'nk accounts and Ed will show you the way!
  • Perry Noble will share his secrets on how to intimidate the sheep who don't tithe, what name-calling techniques are most effective, and what out-of-context verses to use to convince the sheep that the Bible actually does say they must give 10% of their income
  • Did you know how serious stingy sheep are? Mac Brunson and Steve Gaines will share just how stingy sheep actually have brought our economy to its knees - and how YOU, pastor, hold the keys to saving our economy by motivating your sheep to tithe! They'll share the importance of letting the sheep know that "God collects".
  • Creflo Dollar will be there to discuss ways that the really stupid sheep can be "put to sleep" - what use does a shepherd have for a non-fleece producing sheep? Creflo will share his secrets.
Special Bonus for early-bird registrants: you will get a signed DVD of the infamous Ed Young 10/10/10 tithing sermon that has been (mostly) wiped off the Internet. Learn from the master how to get people to give 0.1 of their income to your ministry!

Slandering Sheep Seminar
Sheep are slanderers by nature. They are complainers. Research shows sheep are even learning to type and blog.

Your sheep need to be saved from their ignorance in the area of slandering and gossip and criticism! In this seminar, you'll learn how to teach your sheep to shut-up, listen-up, and start shaping up! You'll hear from:

  • A.C. Soud will explain the secrets of drafting anti-criticism "deacon's resolutions" to muzzle the sheep. You'll learn the easy 1-2-3's of "unjust criticism" resolution drafting, resolution reading, and resolution voting - and you'll be on your way to shutting down those scuttle-butting sheep!
  • Thom Rainer will teach you how to motivate your churchmen to corral the slandering sheep in your midst so they will stop their complaining. The easy steps of IDENTIFICATION, ISOLATION, and then INTIMIDATION will be covered!
  • Georgia Pastor Wayne Bray will discuss how to pass anti-blogging resolutions in your state convention to send the signal to the blogging sheep to put away their keyboards, and get on-board with their shepherd's vision.
  • You'll hear from church attorneys on how to shut down embarrassing video clips of your sermons, by filing take-down notices claiming copyright infringement with the Internet video host sites. Its as easy as ABC: always be closing!
Seeking the Successful Sheep Seminar
Sheep produce their wool at varying rates. Some are "high capacity", like the longer-wool sheep that produce fibers that are longer and thicker - and are thus much more valuable to the shepherd when it comes time to fleece!

In the "Seeking the Successful Sheep Seminar" you will:
  • learn from the brightest church "generosity consultants" how to spot these "high capacity sheep" in your congregation, how to find them in your community, and then most importantly, how to get them into your church so you can "tap into" their vast resources.
  • sit at the feet of church consultants like Generis and Generous Church as they will be there to teach you how to maximize revenue by helping you cultivate generosity. And we know what "generosity" plus "tithing" means....it means sheep will give more to get close to that 10% giving level of obedience!
  • Motivational mega-church pastor Alec Baldwin will be on hand for a private, pastors-only motivational speech to get you pastors out on the streets drumming up "business" from the high-capacity sheep. As Pastor Baldwin says "they're out their waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it?" See the video clip below of Pastor Baldwin's last motivational speech to Southern Baptist pastors.

Straightening-Out the Sheep Seminar

What is a shepherd to do with recalcitrant sheep? How shall they be brought into line, BEFORE implementing the Creflo Dollar method of "shoot and bury"? Part of saving sheep from their ignorance is to help them see how ignorant they are, and then to apply discipline. Pastors, you'll learn how to:
  • Establish discipline committees to find the recalcitrants - having the "right" men on the committee makes all the difference in silencing the sheep!
  • You'll learn how to write a "Membership Covenant" for the sheep to sign that outlines their responsibilities.
  • Tips and Tricks to writing letters of sin to aggressively confront your sheep who stray from the pasture
Premium Sessions!

For only an additional $99.99, you can attend our "premium sessions" where these topics will be discussed:


All of this and more.....for only $399.99

All attendees will earn an "Honorary Doctorate" from Liberty's School of Theology signed by Dr. Caner, so YOU can be called "Doctor Pastor" by your sheep!!


Register by April 15th, and get our "Tithe Rebate Discount" - we'll return a good old-fashioned 23.33% tithe of your registration BACK to your church.


Act Now to Save the Sheep from Ignorance!

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Creflo Dollar? Surely you are kidding. Why not get "Doctor" Mike Murdock too?

Arce said...

Great post for the day. I recently read that All Fool's Day was in full swing 150 years ago on the eve of the Civil War, and had been a tradition for many years before. WELL DONE, friend.

Anonymous said...

How come Rick Warren is not there to give a lecture on how to twist the Scriptures?

Anonymous said...

Hee hee hee.....thanks for the smiles!

cheezewhizchurch said...

I'm in! Sign me up! Looks as thrilling as Church Leader Alive! 2011

Anonymous said...

I really got fooled as all I could think of while reading this was can the Christian leadership get more stupid as I was actually believing this to be a true article.

Then the "wake up call" came at the end that today was April Fool's Day! Good one W/D . . .for a short time you had one of your followers actually believing what they were reading was a real conference coming up. You are witty with a great sense of humor! :>)

Bojac said...

an april fool's joke but too close to becoming reality.

Anonymous said...

This is what they would call their conferences if they were honest. Too close to reality!

Thy Peace said...

Off Topic: (Not April's Fools Day ... it is real): NYT > United Nations Workers Killed by Afghan Mob

Anonymous said...

Hilarious....if only it wasn't so close to the truth!

New BBC Open Forum said...

Here are some select quotes from Dee Lauderdale from around 2007 from Rick Warren's pastors.com forum which has since disappeared.

Some know that Bellevue Baptist in Memphis is in the middle of a church war.

Speaking of those same people he wrote...

These people are pagan vipers who have decided that they and they alone are the only ones who can approve what happens in a church.

...

Sheep are stupid and need to lead! OK, that's gonna make some people mad but it irritates the crap out of me when martyred church people refer to themselves as sheep who need to be tended to by shepards (sic). If they really knew what they were saying about themselves I doubt they would continue to use that imagery!

I assume he meant "need to be led" and "shepherds."

The next day he said...

Here's a verse that God has used to remind me of how I'm susposed to behave as a pastor in leading a church, especialy in these types of situations:

"Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights.A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth." 2 Timothy 2:23-25 (NLT)


Yep, that's "Mr. to you" Dee Lauderdale, a guy with a real pastor's heart! Just warms your cockles, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

I'm glad my chair is only 18 inches off the ground. Then, I remembered it is April 1. Get em Dog.

Anonymous said...

Just signed up for this coference and because I acted so fast, I was told that I would receive a limited and special aptitude test for my congregation to see just how ignorant they are, and where I need to begin!

Anonymous said...

BBC, Thanks for digging out those quotes. If I recall, I also read him and other pastors discussing how to get rid of dissenters without scaring off others..

These guys are not that different in thinking than the Coleone Brothers.

Just be an agreeable tither and you can stay.

Anonymous said...

Watchdog,

Have you see the article on Mac Brunson in Preaching magazine. I would love to hear your opinions on it.

FBC Jax Watchdog said...

Thy Peace - can you contact me via email? I tried with an older email to no avail. Thanks...

pastorhatfield said...

I would tread softly watchdog. I have heard Dr. Mohler preach. He is a man of God.





Liberals talk and all I hear is Blah..Blah..blah