2 Samuel 16:9,11 - "Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over, I pray thee, and take off his head...let him alone, and let him curse; for the Lord hath bidden him."

Matthew 7:15 - “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.

Matthew 24:11 - “…and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.”

Thursday, April 13, 2017

God Squads Coming to a Mega Church Near You!

I was quite surprised to hear this week that a Birmingham, Alamaba mega church is close to getting their own police force!

But this makes perfect sense - the pastor of this church and his deacons/board members should be congratulated for coming up with the best idea in modern evangelicalism in recent years: hire your OWN police force!

Albert Mohler and Ronnie Floyd and Steve Gaines - you need to put this on your agenda for the Southern Baptist Convention Annual Meeting this June!

Of course the argument is that churches need protection from events like Sandy Hook - as the Birmingham church states in its recent press release.

But pastors, take note: there are some other wonderful benefits of hiring your own police officers that are paid by the people of the church, and who ultimately report to the pastor:

1. If an anonymous blogger begins to criticize your pastor and his decisions and calls him a pompous ass, you have officers who can open an investigation, and when someone on the church staff expresses fear that the blogger is a kook, they can send a subpoena request to the local state attorney's office to force the blogger's ISP to hand over his name. Your own cops can then leak the name to Pastor, then shut down the case and destroy the documents, and then Pastor and the churchmen can kick the crazy blogger out of the church. Problem solved!

2. If someone on staff is accused of sexual misconduct, you have a police force to which the initial report can be made. The church cops can then investigate the charges and report directly to the pastor the results of their investigation so the Man of God can determine what should be done. Why should a Man of God have to rely on those "godless" pagan city cops to investigate - they certainly don't understand how sexual molestation charges can damage the Lord's work! Churches need to keep it all in the family.

And don't forget: all evangelical churches worth a darn will exercise "church discipline" on their wayward members. If a church has their own God Squad police force, they can include the force of law on the discipline committee, putting the fear of God in the church members to keep them in line!

Non tithing church member? Have Officer Smith write a "warning" that they are breaking God's law. The church police can enforce both man's laws, AND God's laws! Gossiping church member? Chief Jones can open an investigation and make an arrest based on Malachi 3 and bring the offender to the discipline committee.

I predict this is a trend that will sweep evangelicalism. As mega churches continue to gobble up dying churches and their properties as satellite locations, they will hire their own police forces.

I just wish I had come up with the idea for one of my April Fool's posts.


Yuppy Puppy said...

I just don't understand how on earth this could even be legal. All police forces should be reporting directly to a local, state or federal authority (i.e. Government). How is it possible this is even being considered?

It is really, really scary that a religious organization could have police power in the USA. What is this country coming to? What horrors can we expect down the road?

Will there be jail cells inside the basement of churches (perhaps next to the fellowship hall and Sunday school)???? Will there be interrogation rooms, handcuffs, leg-irons, strip searches???? Waterboarding for rebels not aligning with the "pastor's vision"????? My mind just goes numb.

FBC Jax Watchdog said...

Like I said, it is a WONDERFUL idea! Yes, interrogation rooms, right next to the "counseling" rooms. There are endless positives for the churches if they have their own police force.

Anonymous said...

Upon incarceration, the accused will surrender their wallets to the head of the finance committee. Unpaid tithes will be brought current using every available means necessary. Strip searches will be performed by the youth pastor and standard first night initiation procedures will be happily carried out by the minister of music. The worst offenders will get solitary confinement and a 24 hour a day audio stream of the pastors sermons pumped into their cell.

The Govteach said...

Watchdog, we've missed you.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. Keep up the honorable work. '9% tithe?? Nope, you owe us 1% more, Police!!' 'I've got to pay for my mansion.' Says certain Jax area 'pastors' at a 'church' that starts with cele and ends with bration.

Christiane said...

you nailed it:
the 'church' cops will answer to no one but the 'pastor' who pays their salaries;
they are 'outside' of our legal system and are candidates for some really terrible rogue actions

'be afraid, be very very afraid' is the mantra of such 'authorities'

people with children need to get out of any cult-type situations like a 'mega' with a private police force