2 Samuel 16:9,11 - "Why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over, I pray thee, and take off his head...let him alone, and let him curse; for the Lord hath bidden him."

Matthew 7:15 - “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.

Matthew 24:11 - “…and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.”

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Jacksonville Megachurch Pastors Hold Tithing Vigil to Steer Irma Away from City

Jacksonville, FL (WD) - Watchdog Press has learned megachurch pastors in Jacksonville, Florida will hold Thursday what they are calling a "tithing vigil" to prompt the Lord Jesus Christ to steer Hurricane Irma away from Jacksonville.

"I have known for some time that the terrible rate of tithing among church members will eventually bring our city to destruction," said Stuart Weems of Collaboration Church. "The Lord's patience can only be tested so long - and now it looks like we will be paying the price unless His people belly up to the pew and pay their tithes."

But the megachurch pastors - many of them who have large financial investments in Jacksonville in their million dollar homes and other real estate investments - believe there is still time to sway God's mind if enough Christians quickly show their willingness to fork over the required 10% tithe.

"God can and will change his mind, if His people will hear His voice and tithe", said a spokesman for Collaboration Church. "Our church will open at 7:00 am Thursday to begin the collection of tithes from recalcitrant, God-robbing Christians from all over the First Coast. These funds will likely be used to help those cities who do end up being battered from Hurricane Irma after the Lord steers her away from our city - or to rebuild our pastors' homes if enough Christians don't respond in time to change God's mind and change Irma's path."

One local pastor said anonymously that "God collects on what he is owed. God collects on it....God says when you are to bring the tithe and you refuse to do it, he will poke holes in your purses and bring calamity on your city". The pastor was quoting out of Haggai chapter 1 in the Old Testament.

There is some precedent of setting a deadline for God's people to get caught up on their tithing to appease an angry God.  Former Southern Baptist Convention president Ronnie Floyd in 2014 famously set a deadline for Christians to get "caught up" on their tithing:
"The key question we [pastors] need to ask [church members] repeatedly: As you review and understand clearly ALL of your sources of income in 2014, have you honored God by giving at least the first one-tenth to your local church? If you have not, then insure you do so before December 31 so that you can know you have walked in complete obedience to God in 2014 in relationship to biblical stewardship."
"Last year hurricane Matthew should have been a wake-up call to Christians all over the Jacksonville area", said pastor Tom Fester of Trinity Church. "But giving at our church and other mega churches in this area has actually declined since Hurricane Matthew grazed us last year. Apparently non-tithing Christians have not learned their lesson."

The tithing vigil will begin at 7:00 am on Thursday at Collaboration Church off of the I-295 East Beltway, and will remain open until 7:00 pm to collect tithes. Call the church for more details on how to give by phone or online.


Serving Kids in Japan said...

Where's my barf bucket?

If they really trust God to hear them, why don't they just pray for this storm to go away? The notion that He needs our money is ridiculous, and the greed and heartlessness of these so-called "pastors" is unbelievably transparent.

BethStillSings said...

I hope this is satire.

Serving Kids in Japan said...

From the talk on Twitter, it seems to be satire, Beth.

Silly, silly me. I'm reminded of a classic Sesame Street sketch:

"Hey, I don't see anything in this paper about 'four people fooled'."
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! 'FIVE People Fooled!'"

In my defence, a) I was operating on little sleep; b) Poe's Law is not a lie; c) given the actual attitudes of men like Jim Bakker and John Piper to natural disasters, it's hard not to see this article as being within the realm of possibility. Perhaps the latest Wartburg Watch article had my dander up too much.

Brandi said...

I can’t find any such church called “collaboration church” in Jacksonville.
Can you give an address?

Anonymous said...

I'm I live here and I've never heard of this "mega church" furthermore there's a church in college park, GA with this name but no info on such a "vigil". Unless you post more info and a website you're not speaking the truth and you are not a credible source for anything.

FBC Jax Watchdog said...

It is called "satire". That you and other Christians are unable to discern between satire and facts says a lot about you. It is called Por's Law.

Brandi said...

If this is satire, it came off in poor taste I think because there actually is a mega church called “Collaboration Church” they just don’t happen to have a campus at that location. This sounded plausible enough with an actual church name. It took some digging to find out it wasn’t true and just makes you look like a liar, not a satire writer.
I’m not sure that’s quite how you want to present yourself. Satire is meant to be sometimes humorous, ironic, eye rolling, or profound.
So if I could offer a suggestion, one way to tweak this one would be to change the name of the church to something like “First Church of the Charlatans” or “Conman Baptist” or something else obvious and funny.

I don’t mean to criticize you, only offer a helpful critique from one writer to another.

Wishing you success and lots of shares on your next post.

FBC Jax Watchdog said...

I'm sorry but you come off as very low IQ. This piece of satire is about Jacksonville mega churches. Is there any "Collaboration Church" mega church in Jacksonville?? No there is not. I'm shocked that there is a Collaboration Church anywhere, but I'll take your word for it.

There is a Celebration Church with pastor Stovall Weems here in Jacksonville. My selection of Collaboration Church was a parody of that church.

Graeme Louw said...

FBC Jax Watchdog, call it satire, call it what you please but it is not the truth! Therefor, you are a liar!!! You and others like you DISGUST me!

FBC Jax Watchdog said...

Another fine example of a loving Christian.

bobfelton said...

You probably shouldn't expect much subtlety when you're dealing with people who think everything went south after a talking snake tricked Adam and Eve into stealing a bad piece of fruit.