Just wanted to draw a parallel between the disgust of so many Americans when we saw the AIG executives take a European spa vacation just days after Congress voted on a $50 billion bailout for their company, and the disgust of believers at FBC Jax over Mac and Mr. Stimler taking a European vacation after asking us to give $1 million cash (or $200 per "giving unit").
The week after Mac asked us to give $1 million for his "bailout" of our dilapidated facilities that our leadership (Mac and Stimler and Leverett and Blount, Jr.) failed to take care of with the $40 million given since he started his tenure, he and the chairman of our finance committee, Tom Stimler, headed off for a tour of Italy! Yes indeed, the same two guys who oversaw a year where we grossly overspent on missions (by Mac's own admission - click here to listen as he 'fesses up to his NC friends while preaching out of town, and read about it here), held out their fat hands for a cool million in cash from the plebe of FBC Jax. After we gave, they boarded a plane for a tour through Italy with their wives. Ain't God good? Amen! "We're gonna have CHUCH!"
Memo to Trey and A-Group: please work on a special project whereby we can begin charging for the Sunday Anniversary Announcements. I've made a few suggestions below that you can start with.
Platinum Level: Jim Whitmire puts your picture on the I-mags, calls you to the platform, and we show a brief 3 minute video testimony of your marriage - including your place of business if applicable. Mac says a few words, and tells you what each of your first names mean in Greek. Cost $9550 w/ financing available. "Ultimate" Upgrade Available: Each grandchild can come to the platform with you, for only $500 per child under 3, $750 per child ages 4 to 12. Mac will pray for your marriage for an extra $750 (paid separately to Inlight Ministries).
Gold Level: Jim Whitmire calls you to the stage, Imag image show for 9.5 seconds, Jim shakes your hand, and gives wife 1 rose. Cost $3999 (1/2 payable the Sunday before, balance due at conclusion of offeratory prayer day of showing - 5% penalty for late payments). Super Duper Upgrade available: $50 for each additional rose. To have Mac shake your hand, $500 (paid separately to Inlight Ministries).
Bronze Level: Jim Smyrl will call you to the platform, announce your names, shake your hand. Cost $399. Upgrades: Jim will do said shaking of hand without tie for $250 (paid separately to Loyal Heart Ministries). Jim will use his whispery voice and pray for you for an extra $99 (paid to Loyal Heart Ministries). Flip Flop Special: Jim will wear jeans and flip flops for $29.99 (paid to Loyal Heart Ministries). Leather jacket and chaps worn by Jim with jeans only $19.99 extra.
Limited Time Only: BAPTISM BONANZA SPECIAL!!! Have Mac re-baptize both of you on that Sunday evening for only $1000 (baptism garb and towels extra).
BRAND NEW!!! If you want to have your grandbaby dedicated, even if they live out of town and are members of another church, you can have Mac dedicate them for $150. Rose for mom an extra $25. Mac to read your babies first name in Greek $100. Middle name for $75. Researching to find a verse for your grandbaby is $100. TAKE YOUR GRANDBABY DEDICATION TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL: For an extra $1000, Mac will do the baby dedication on a SUNDAY MORNING! Just like he did with his grandbaby! Imagine the pride you will feel as our man of God pastor dedicates your baby in front of 8000 church members. For a limited time Mac will sprinkle holy water on your grandbaby if you register for your grandbaby dedication by the end of October!
JUST ANNOUNCED: Any members who have son-in-laws that need to be ordained to the gospel ministry, we will do that for $10,000 on a Sunday night. If you arrange for multiple ordinations on the same night, a 25% discount will be applied. Schedule these well in advance to make sure that night our pastor is not on a Mediterrean Cruise, Holy Land Trip, Preaching Gig at Pigeon Forge, Preaching Gig in North Carolina or New York, or on a European Vacation with his favorite trustee.
That is a start, anyways. Come on Maurilio, now let's get creative in how we can raise some additional revenue!! Trey and Maurilio: Watchdog is available for consulting, I charge $150 per hour for my church marketing services; would be happy to meet you at Deerwood Country Club for a "creative session" on this and other special projects.